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The Witches Hammer Movie Review

By: Justin Hopkins

** SPOILER WARNING **

  I think we have done it. Years of watching B Movies and months of reviewing them. Some that could rival any A list movie and some so bad they circled back to entertainment all of again. After all of that, think we may have just hit the bottom of the barrel. I don’t like talking badly on movies. Making a movie is a hard and difficult process and I am more then willing to go out of my way and meet them on whatever convoluted storyline they want to run. Hybrid animals? Sold. Remake a classic? I am there. Sequel to a movie franchise that ran out of steam a decade ago? Why not. So when I say this is bad. Can rest assured it has some merit. There is some good, don’t get me wrong, but far warning ahead of time. There is going to be a lot of negativity coming.

The movie opens up with a Rebecca getting attacked and left bleeding on the ground. Later two people, government agents, come up to her body bag and she is alive. Cut to a montage of them doing some experiment on her. Then we get two of of the most irritating agents. Present her two drinks, water and blood. We get flashes of her covered in blood and the woman agent yelling, what drink do you want over and over, and I started regretting my choice of film to review. Pushing forward to yet another montage of Rebecca training. Along with her learning that it is to risky to see her family, and that she can be killed with decapitation, stabbing the heart, and sunlight. Rule that was broken during her first mission when she takes out a vampire, with a stab to the stomach. She gets shot in the head, but rescued by her ally in the morgue, who pays her with intel on when she can see her family. They would be visiting her grave, and despite the sun out, she finds safety under a tree to view them ( Seriously, it doesn’t. Sun is coming through the branches. No reason this should work. Just keep the bike helmet on) While she is away. Her base is attacked and all of her colleagues are killed. A massive fight ensues, before she is knocked out, by a tranq dart. When she wakes up, finds that she was captured by another one of the Government Programs. Lead by Witch Madeline and.. Edward.. I think was his name. It was hard to hear. His audio was cranked up and was a genuine boring character. They inform Rebecca that a vampire used a page from the book called Witches Hammer to make himself immortal and they need the book to undo it. The book was written by a women whose baby was taken from her. She took vengeance. Killing the man who did so, and then the babies of everyone in the village. She sat down and just started writing the book till they killed her. They journey out, being chased by various vampires including; a dwarf named Oscar. His plus sized lover Charlotte. One with a pornstache whose name I did not catch. Cause I just wanted it to end and I will leave it there for the time being.

The only member of the cast that I didn’t mind, was Claudia Coulter. She was the only one who didn’t really just annoy me. She didn’t overdo anything and the action, while slow and a bit clunky was still nice. There was one thing she kept doing that did make me laugh, but not in the way they were expecting. On occasion, she would just randomly flash her teeth and hiss. For no apparent reason, and made me laugh, because if you look at the pic and see Fionna. The Sim from all of my thumbnails, does the exact same thing. So congrats on making me think about the Sims. In the same vein, I enjoyed the flashback to the Witch who wrote the book. When she was holding her baby, sounded like she was singing the Bayu Bayushki, and that is the Lullaby Hummed by The Huntress in Dead By Daylight. My favorite killer, and that is 2 positives that are based because they remind me of better things. That is not good.

Nothing about this landed. The jokes were so bad and just dumb. We get it, Oscar is small and Charlotte is big, ain’t it funny. The one good fight scene, with Rebecca going against the ninja, was ruined through multiple cuts to either see Oscar and Edward in some stupid Tom and Jerry esque game. Of tiny Oscar running in around the room and Edward being scared. With Charlotte commenting on the fight, while drinking from this guy with two straws in his neck. None of which was funny. Both of which stole drastically from the only worthwhile moment of the movie.

This movie was a drastic let down. The effects were bad. Far, far to many cuts and close-ups and slow motion for no other reason then to have slow motion. Don’t even go for slow motion when it can be used. Then fast zoom in on faces and all of it was cringeworthy to awful. Movie came out in 2006 and has aged so poorly and worse then movies twice it’s age, and I know what you are thinking. Cut it some slack, its a low budget, but no. I am not judging this based off big A list movies, with a budget. That’s the point of B Movie Sunday. To review them based off movies in their caliber and this one fails almost across the board.

Before we finish up, let’s gloss over the end, because that Surprise twist, actually did catch me by surprise. I didn’t see the Madeline turn coming, and having Hugo be nothing more than a spoiled brat was good. It was a smart idea to shake things up. Well done.

If you found enjoyment in this film, I am happy for you. I don’t get much enjoyment on trashing movies. People worked hard to make this movie, but got to call it like I see it, and Witches Hammer was a colossal waste of time. Don’t watch this movie. Skip it. Put on literally anything else. Hard pass for Witches Hammer.

Thank you for Reading.

Sequel Saturday Presents Strangers: Prey at Night

By Paul Anthony

Welcome our Saturday night blog and for the last Saturday night blog before Halloween, I had to figure out which scary sequel should I do. Now the easy choice was to do Halloween 2 from the 80’s but I decided to go away from that and go with a film that I wanted to see but never got around to it. As you can see by the title we will be reviewing Strangers 2 Prey at Night. This movie was released in the March of 2018 and it was a sequel was ten years in the making, which may have been some of it’s downfall.

The Budget was very small for a big time release at just 5 million which was 4 million less then the first film. Now the first film made a little over 80 million, however this film just made over 30 million. Usually when a sequel takes ten years to come out and they have it in March which is a grave yard month there really isn’t much hope but was the film that bad to warrant those numbers?

The event in the film takes place ten years after the events in the first film. Here the film the story focuses on family traveling in Ohio to take their teenage daughter to boarding school because I guess she did something bad ass but the family giving up everything to do this. Once they arrive, they stay at a family trailer overnight, that where the Strangers start to show and begin to torment the family and kill off the parents leaving the kids by themselves to fight off the strangers which they do successfully or so we believe because the film ends in the hospital where the daughter hears a sound that she heard in the trailer park. Though the only one that could have survived was the Man in the Mask but even then he took a very bad better and got stabbed and burned.

Now I can say that I did find this film a slight more enjoyable with the pace and the music did make the film more entertaining then the first but the acting and even the script was just horrible, they could have said nothing and it would have been better. Now the acting was so bad and I get these people needed to be on the low end of the budget but just seems like they were trying so hard to be in character that it felt so fake.

Now in the end I have to say because of the acting and script I was very disappointed in this film. It could have been better even with the low budget, the fact that they took ten years to make this and they missed the target. In the end what would I grade this film? Well sadly I have to give this film a D even for a low budget horror film this was bad but if you are a fan of the first film and want to see the second just to complete the series then be my guest!

 

Top 8 horror characters to never appear in a movie

By: Justin Hopkins

Saved this for last. Mostly, because I think it took years off my life. Every time I thought I had the list the way I wanted, found a movie they had been in, and while I have watched way too many horror movies. My knowledge of horror games, comics, and everything else are all over the place. Some more then others, my fault. Ever growing to do list, but alas. Proved to be a very difficult as far as picking out 8 good characters to feature on a list, but I was determined to see it through. Try and give you list you won’t see a dozen of everywhere else. With that said, let’s get down to it, with number 8, from a storied franchise.

8. Twin Victims – Silent Hill 4: The Room

It would be almost wrong to not include a Silent Hill creation on a list like this. While the movies wisely used the big popular ones. There was still a few to be utilized and for my money, it’s got to be the twin victims. Their unsettledness upon first meeting them. A giant black cloak, walking on two massive arms and dueling masks looking back. Stopping to point directly at you, trying to run away when you get too close and swing defensively. Due, to you playing as the man who killed two twins early on in his life. Psychologically hitting you with not only their look, but the fact they are killing them all over again.

7. Grey Jack – Resistance: Fall Of Man

This guys were a nightmare to contend with. Racing full steam ahead at you, and even if you knew they were coming. If you blink they were on you and resulted in heavy damage. There long elongated bodies were stood to the husky and thick bodies of the rest of the Chimera you have been dealing with. They were not even armed, but no matter what you were doing. They took top priority due to how fast they can end you.

6. Baron Of Hell – Doom

Whether he is pixelated or towering monster of hatred. The Baron stands out in a seas of just awesome designs. Was amazed by his design when I first saw him in Doom 2016 right to the point where he knock me silly and send me running to the cave. Being among the highest ranking members of hell and fighting process to back it up. May have fallen from grace a bit from their final boss status, but can end you quick if you are unprepared and still a force to be reckoned with.

5. Alma Wade – F.E.A.R.

Kids will always be creepy, and Alma is one of the few to ever make me jump during gameplay. Just a google search and you’ll see why.  Her just popping up and disappearing within a moment. Wondering if she was even there or if it has happened so much and you are starting to see things. Being a powerful psychic who tortured and drove the scientists mad was chilling. Yet, when you learn more about the awful things done to her. Start to understand her rage a bit. Even if it is directed at you in the process.

4. Witch – Left For Dead

If you ever played Left for Dead and heard her crying. Did you avoid at all cost and immediately run up and cause your own demise. I was the second one exclusively. The witch baited in unexpected survivors during their escape from a zombie infected area, and those who stumbled upon her, or inadvertent flashlight beam would soon be staring down and at the incoming missile on two legs. Knocking you down with a swipe of her claws and killing you, and if you did not preemptively strike or start blasting away the second she got up. There wasn’t much you can do to stop her. While there are many threats lurking in Left For Dead. None were as lethal, as the Witch, and the thing was; You were the one who caused it.

3. Lisa Trevor – Resident Evil

Among those to appear on this list, or in general really. None are more sad, then that of one Lisa Trevor. She was forced to be the lab rat of the Umbrella Corporation  at a young age and began to develop horrific mutations. Her Mother was as well, but when her Mother tried to escape and was killed and replaced by an imposter, to appease Lisa. Under the impression that the imposter stole her Mother’s face. Leading Lisa to ripped her face off. Dead set to return it to her Mother. Her terrifying appearance is matched only by the fact she is unstoppable enemy who will kill you even if you try to fight.

2. The Darklings – The Darkness.

If there is one on this list that I am shocked they have not used in a movie let, it is The Darkness. With how popular Comic Book Movies have been and more turning towards a darker tone. The Darkness seems ripe for the picking, but their loss is this lists gain, because the Darklings are terrifying horde. Don’t let their short, over the top antics fool you. They are lethal as they come, who not only will kill you, but keep the onslaught going after your demise, for nothing more then  sheer enjoyment. The fact that they are creation of whomever is wielding the power of the Darkness, is irrelevant, because they ultimately take their marching orders from the Darkness itself. As long as they remain bathed in darkness. There is little they can’t do.

1. Huntress – Dead By Daylight

This is an absolute, personal choice, and you can at me all you want, but it will not stop her from being top of the list . For all Dead By Daylight’s faults, and their lore is tremendous to read, and Anna’s stands out among the rest. After the death of her Mother, Anna was left to fend for herself at a young age, not much older then seven, in the wilderness. She has never mentally aged beyond that moment. Growing into a hulking, hunting goddess. Taking out everything from deer to bear and later humans, with nothing more then her instincts and trusty ax and hatchets. Except little girls, needing to protect them from the dangers out there. Leading to their death of illness or hunger. Even her mori, one kill shot to the head, and two to the chest. Like a little kid celebrating over their downed victim. She is a raw nerve that can’t be reasoned with, because she doesn’t know she is doing anything wrong. The moment in the game, when you first hear her humming lullaby. The entire game changes, because the moment a chase begins. You have to ready for incoming hatchets. All of your usual tactics go right out the window and even when you are unhooking or out in the open. Never knowing when a hatchet will come from nowhere.

And that is all I got. I hope you enjoyed. As challenging as it was, had a good time trying to find the best that I could find. Now is the real fun part. Do you disagree? Have one that I left off? Are you Sally Smithson, blinking over for daring to put Huntress on over her? Let me know in the comments. All for conversation and love to know more about horror characters that I don’t know about. In the meantime;

Thank you for reading.